Triangulation: The Invisible Pattern That Keeps Us Divided

Most people have never heard the term "triangulation." Even fewer realize they’re doing it every day. It’s not always malicious. In fact, it often hides in plain sight, disguised as care, conversation, or seeking support. But left unchecked, triangulation is one of the most destructive relational patterns we carry—and it's shockingly normalized.

At its core, triangulation is when two people connect by discussing or positioning around a third. Rather than speak directly to the person involved, we talk about them, enlist others to validate our perspective, or use one relationship to buffer the discomfort of another. It creates emotional triangles where clarity, connection, and responsibility get lost.

It can sound like:

• "Don't say anything, but she really upset me."

• "Can you believe what he did to me?"

• "I don’t feel safe talking to them, so I’ll just tell you."

What begins as a desire to be seen often turns into an unconscious power grab—looking for someone to side with us, affirm our hurt, or make us feel right.

The tragedy? We learned this as children. Watching our parents vent about each other. Watching teachers favor one student over another. Watching spiritual leaders subtly elevate one version of truth by discrediting another. We internalized the idea that we must gather allies to feel secure. That emotional survival depends on someone agreeing with us.

And it feels good in the moment—being validated, affirmed, told we’re not crazy. But it keeps us from the very thing we long for: direct, honest, mutual relationship.

Triangulation replaces intimacy with alliance. And it leaves someone—often everyone—feeling unsafe, unseen, or misunderstood.

The antidote? Sovereign communication. Emotional maturity. The willingness to feel our pain without needing someone else to carry it with us or for us.

We can still seek reflection and support—but when we use others to build a case, rather than build connection, we step out of alignment with truth.

Here’s what sovereignty looks like:

• “I feel hurt, and I want to speak directly with the person involved.”

• “I need space to process this without turning it into a story about someone else.”

• “Can you help me reflect without taking sides?”

We all long to feel seen. But the mature version of that isn’t triangulation—it’s truth-telling. It’s directness. It’s honoring the frequency of clarity, even when it’s uncomfortable.

We don’t need more agreement. We need more courage.

And the moment we stop recruiting others into our hurt, we begin returning to our power.